so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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