His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
