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the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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