Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.