i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
