All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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