How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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