Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
