I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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