Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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