Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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