im having a threesome with these popsicles
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
