I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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