Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
