I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
