The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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