Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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