you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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