I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
