i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
