Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
