we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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