New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
