So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
