thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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