if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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