now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
