he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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