He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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