Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
