how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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