I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
