If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
