I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
