I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
