drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
