??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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