I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
