Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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