Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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