My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize