i just wanna soil my oats bro
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
