Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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