that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
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Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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