Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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