What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
