you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
