Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
farters have to be the big spoon...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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