Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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