Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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