So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
