Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
