if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
