I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
