So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
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OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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