Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
